Welcome to Sundays with Sloane: essays on modern motherhood - what actually helps, what it really costs, and what nobody tells you until you’re in it.

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In place of my weekly essay on navigating year one of motherhood, today I’m sharing something a bit more personal. I had the privilege of being interviewed by for her Promoted to Mother series on the paid and unpaid working lives of mothers. We talked about financial independence, why I work, and what it actually means to maintain a career while being truly present for your child - without pretending the tension between those two things doesn’t exist.

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The reality of how motherhood takes shape is discussed more in private spheres than public: the vent to a friend, a comment in a new mom group. Kiya’s work highlights the similarities among mothers across the world, while also emphasizing the work that largely goes unnoticed, and yet is necessary for societies and economies to keep functioning. Motherhood fundamentally changes a woman’s economic status in society. And that takes shape in many, often invisible, ways. Kiya’s Substack, is an addendum to her Ph.D. research and serves to make the many ways mothers work a bit more visible. Her work is asking questions that don’t get asked enough, and I think many of you will find your own experience reflected in it.

Promoted to Mother

#05 How Mothers Work: Julie Schechter & Sophia Samutin Lord

This edition introduces us to the working lives of mothers Julie Schechter and Sophia Lord…

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10 days ago · 10 likes · Kiya Taylor, Julie Schechter, and Sophia Lord

I’ve covered the intersection of motherhood, career, and finances from a few different angles below. I’ll continue to touch on these themes with an upcoming essay on maternity leave (or the lack thereof! in the USA).

Welcome to Sundays with Sloane: essays on modern motherhood - what actually helps, what it really costs, and what nobody tells you until you’re in it.

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“You got this,” I shout excitedly. “Let’s go, let’s go, come on, Sloane.”

Her body twists back and forth, her rocking builds momentum. She maneuvers into a pretzel, into a worm, then a little starfish. Her chubby baby arm and leg are suspended as she considers moving from tummy to back. She makes the superwoman pose. Her body takes many shapes and forms as she wiggles. She spends minutes in this limbo. She does not roll, though.

I move her rocking toy a bit further away. That’s supposed to help, I saw on some TikTok. It does little to remotivate her, and she moves back to happy baby, ignoring my pleas to roll.

Maybe I should have been doing more tummy time? my mind races. Why hasn’t she rolled yet? Did I f* up as a mom?!

I prop her up and place a few colorful blocks in front of her instead. She seems fussy and annoyed to be in this position, bored of the same blocks. I move them around a bit - I tell her I’d be bored and annoyed too if I “had” to do this tummy time. I eventually give up as her discomfort wins over the societal guilt of doing tummy time.

I call the pediatrician’s office to schedule a 6-month visit and note to discuss tummy time. While on speakerphone, I pull out the baby carrier and strap Sloane to my chest. I read that that “counts” as tummy time. We go for a walk instead - everyone is happier.

A few days later, we sit in a colorful room, while the pediatrician reviews Sloane’s measurements.

She asks if I have any questions or concerns. She remains unfazed as I unleash a tsunami of my worries.

Should she be rolling by now? Should I be doing more tummy time? She is 6 months, the end of the “range” to roll, I quote from the materials read online, and regurgitate from the TikTok moms.

I explain that every time we do “tummy time”, Sloane gets agitated and upset. This doesn’t seem natural. I read that other cultures, outside of the U.S., aren’t as tummy-time obsessed. I bring this up.

The doctor asks a few follow-up questions, and I tell her all about Sloane’s flexibility - a Cirque du Soleil gymnast in training. She tells me not to worry - those movements and behaviors are all developmentally on track. She gently reminds me of what we learned in physics class - that more mass requires more energy to move.

“Sloane is a big baby,” the doctor says, referring to the growth chart, “so she’s just on a different timeline.”

“And try not to stress about tummy-time,” she tells me, “she’s probably getting it naturally through day-to-day activities.” I breathe a sigh of relief as we pack up to leave.

Milestones are one of the many things most moms will find themselves stressing about at some point. For some, like me, it’s about whether baby is on the right track and if I am “doing” all the things necessary to support reaching those milestones. For others, it’s FOMO about the first roll, or the first steps, or the first word.

A few days later, it all clicked together for S. I was ecstatic! Since she figured out how to roll, she hasn’t wanted to stop. The momentum snowballed into other milestones - rolling both ways, crawling, and eventually, walking. With every one she checks off, my cortisol returns as close to baseline as motherhood will allow.

So, How Much Tummy Time is Enough?

• Recommendations from AAP: 15 to 30 minutes each day by 7 weeks

  • Tummy time “starts” during newborn days - anytime baby is belly down on parents’ chest - for feeding or comfort

  • Baby carrying/wearing is one way to get tummy time - we liked the Ergobaby carrier

• In other countries, tummy time is not as emphasized; why here and great article here

I cover more basics in my first guide, with a more comprehensive take coming soon in my Fourth Trimester Guide.

Welcome to Sundays with Sloane: essays on modern motherhood - what actually helps, what it really costs, and what nobody tells you until you’re in it.

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I pad over to the bedroom, carrying my tea and a book. My slippers click-click through the hallway. I swap the overhead lights for my bedside lamp and get into bed. The cool sheets and steaming tea swaddle me in relaxation and familiarity. This was my evening routine pre-husband, pre-baby: I’m enjoying the momentary switch in realities.

I flip to the dog-eared page and pick up mid-story. Fantastic read. I’m engrossed in the plot, and in the cleanliness and calmness I occasionally get nostalgia for. My husband’s on a work trip, so the chaos is mostly contained to Sloane this week.

I turn to the next page when I’m interrupted by a loud shriek from Sloane’s room. Pausing my book to pick up the baby monitor, I’m perplexed. S sleeps through the night, usually. I’m very into schedules. We sleep trained early!

S is standing up in her crib. I hear her cries in my body first. They reverberate through the hallway, and the baby monitor registers them last.

This cry is different. Immediately, I know she needs me for something. I rush to her room and pick her up. Her face is soaked with tears, her hiccups are loud, as I envelop her in a hug. I bring her into bed with me, and I’m transported back to the early days postpartum. Figuring out her different cries, her different ways of communicating, the sleepless nights. This time, she holds me tightly; before I rocked her back and forth. Now, my kisses are reciprocated; a year ago, it was one-way affection. Eventually, her heartbeat slows to match mine. And so I decide to do something I’ve never done: cosleep with her.

I kick the heavy comforter off the bed. I throw the extra pillows on the ground. I feel the leftover anxiety from newborn days creep in - follow the safe sleep guidelines!

Once the bed is remade, we get in and cuddle.

I pull her in close, face to face. We whisper secrets in the dark, and I share all the things I hope for her. I tell her my fears and my dreams, I make up stories about the adventures we will go on together. I tell her about the person I used to be, and the mom I’m becoming. I feel her body rise and fall with each breath; we fall into a rhythm that slows down as we both fade into sleep. It is pure bliss.

I finally get why parents love cosleeping.

Sleeping and Sleep Training Methods

Little is more controversial to new parents than how one decides to manage sleep and sleep training. I cover the basics in my first guide (code MOMSROCK for complimentary copy), with a more comprehensive take coming soon in my Fourth Trimester Guide.

As illustrated in this essay and others, even if you do choose to sleep train, there are going to be some nights where baby might not sleep through or needs extra comfort. In general, expect that there will be many sleepless nights as a new parent, in postpartum and beyond.

I’ve written a few different perspectives here:

Sleep Arrangements

• Solo sleeping: baby in their own crib, in their own room.

• Room-sharing (separate surface): baby in bassinet or bedside sleeper in the parents’ room (AAP recommendation for at least the first 6 months)

• Bedsharing / cosleeping: baby and parent(s) in the same bed. The most common globally and the most contested in the US.

Safe Sleep Recommendations

• AAP: firm, flat sleep surface; room-sharing without bedsharing for at least the first 6 months (ideally 12); baby on their back; no soft bedding, pillows, bumpers, or positioners; no smoking in the home; no bed-sharing if either parent has consumed alcohol, sedating medication, or is excessively sleep-deprived

• Safe Sleep 7: from La Leche League is a widely cited harm-reduction framework for bedsharing: sober mom, non-smoking, breastfeeding, healthy full-term baby, on their back, on a safe surface, not too hot.

Welcome to Sundays with Sloane: essays on modern motherhood - what actually helps, what it really costs, and what nobody tells you until you’re in it.

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Having a baby has grown my heart a million times. It’s made me feel richer than I could have ever imagined (while simultaneously draining my bank account). Becoming a mom has had a multiplier effect, bringing more joy and a deeper level of humanity to all my relationships.

This is my second mothers’ day. While I’ve always been obsessed with my daughter, absolutely in love, actually, I can confidently report that I am better rested and more adjusted this year than on my first mothers’ day.

Here are all the things I’ve loved about being a mom so far:

• We go to lunch just the two of us - it’s really special. It’s also convenient because we can order multiple dishes to try and share.

• Finally, I’ve met someone who likes croissants more than I do.

• I love how my heart actually explodes with each progressive affection she shows me: in the beginning, it was a soft smile, then a little nuzzle, the semblance of a hug. Now she reaches for me and brings me in tight. If I’m particularly lucky, she’ll give me a little peck.

• I have a bookworm for a daughter - we read together some mornings; life is near perfect in those moments.

• It’s quite literally made me slow down and stop to smell the flowers. There is so much innocence and beauty in the little things that excite her.

• I’ve never taken so many selfies - who knew we both could love the camera so much?

• Seeing her be goofy with her aunt makes my heart swell. I know she’s surrounded by strong women and will have so many role models to talk about literally anything with.

• We go on adventures on my days off work and explore NYC. We try different food all over different boroughs - I finally get to cross off some of the hot spots.

• She’s made me feel fearless - I have mom strength now (and also arms of steel, lifting a toddler is a daily workout).

• The early morning wake-ups, when our new family took shape: the sleep deprivation comes with occasional perks.

  The sleepy 4am mornings, cuddling in bed. J burping S, their shadows dancing across the map of the world mural in her nursery, whispering all the places she’d visit one day. Watching the sunrise come up, feeling like it was just us at the center of the world (from here).

• I have someone to go shopping with and for - and coincidentally, I’ve discovered my new mom style as a manifestation of my new mom identity.

  As I tried on new pieces in the mirror, I saw my new self assembling: red dress, exhausted smile, overflowing heart, kitten-heeled slingbacks, hair falling out from the hormones, dangling earrings, c-section scar, blue clutch.

  I spent S’s naps trying on dresses. If she woke up earlier than expected, I rushed to her room, accompanied by some tulle skirt rustling to announce my arrival. Opening boxes became a “wake window” activity. Narrating to her how hard it is to find pumps that are actually comfortable to be in while feeding her a bottle. Trying on earrings accompanied by the rhythmic suction of the pump.

  Being a mom is about these little moments blending together. Yes, I could have arranged for childcare so I could have “focused” on finding an outfit. Yes, it took me way more time to figure out what I wanted to wear because trying on clothes was broken up by the rhythm of a newborn’s needs: sleep, feed, play, diaper change, repeat. But something about sharing those moments with S, talking through, and getting her opinionated takes on my fashion evolution felt like exactly what I needed in that moment (essay here).

• I finally found someone who laughs at all my jokes - I didn’t know I was this funny! There is nothing like the sound of her laugh; it is so pure and genuine. It’s a fountain of hope after a long day. It grounds me. It reorients me away from the noise of hectic adult life to what really matters.

• It’s made me fall even more in love with my husband.

• It’s made me more empathetic. As we move into the toddler phase, sometimes, she just needs me to sit down on the ground with her as she emotionally regulates. I think we all need that sometimes, too, as adults.

• It’s made me more patient. Everything takes a bit longer now as she learns how to do things herself.

• I’ve learned to be lighthearted and find the humor in the messes now - and to love my in-unit washer dryer (NYC luxury!). There are so many messes. Sometimes I don’t want any mess, and sometimes I’m right there with her, making it messy, because why not!

• Showing her the world for the first time brings back a bit of the magic; we are so serious as adults! The reminder to play, to imagine what could be, is like some crazy drug that makes everything sparkle a bit more.

  I want to keep the world magical for S every day that I can. We wore Halloween costumes all fall and gingerbread pjs all December. We have dance parties and dress up for dinner. We make big messes. It’s nice to be in her world, I like joining her there and staying as long as I can. It’s rainbows and unicorns and banana pancakes and sunshine: I hope I can keep it that way forever for her (from this essay).

• I’ve learned how to be more direct, even if I’m uncomfortable, or the situation is uncomfortable, because ultimately everything revolves around the health and safety of my daughter.

• I’m proud and impressed with my body for all it has done - I’ve learned to take better care of it - not as many espressos and cigarettes and late nights on the dancefloor. Now our living room is the dancefloor, and I drink water like I just ran a marathon (postpartum definitely felt that way LOL).

• My time and values are reoriented - career, finances, friendships - all have shifted.

  Everyone talks about needing a village; postpartum showed me who mine truly was. It highlighted the friendships that crossed into a new chasm. The ones that could meet me and support me in the metamorphosis into motherhood. The ones who saw me raw and vulnerable in a new way - unsure of whether I was doing the right thing as a mom. Was I a good mom - sitting there covered in spit and throw up and milk and poop and more spit. Tired. You think they are a bff forever after a drunk night out, but it's different when they are helping you clean up your baby’s throw-up this time (from this essay).

• Life feels richer and deeper. The world is in HD now; everything was a bit more muted before, and I didn’t even know!

I’m so excited for all the sweet moments to come, for how I’ll keep growing and changing as a mom, and for my heart to keep expanding.

See you next Sunday! <3

I’m about 14 months postpartum. If you had talked to me a year ago, I would have been just starting to find my footing again. I had a rough start to motherhood, and not much prepared me for just how drastically life changed overnight.

I am utterly head over heels in love with my daughter. But navigating a new body, career ambitions, evolving finances, and the various feelings and sentiments around motherhood, mom guilt, and insert relevant societally-influenced emotion here, all within a short time span, is a lot for anyone.

Reading Matrescence by Lucy Jones put postpartum in perspective for the first time - it should be required reading for every new mom. And as I talked to new moms, I realized I wasn’t the only one who felt this journey should come with a few more informational sessions. My conclusion: it was wild that there wasn’t a better resource to prepare new moms, maybe I could fill that gap in the market?

I come from the tech world where iterating on customer feedback is critical. If you want to share anonymously what you wish you had known beforehand or your perspective on matrescence or information that would better prepare future moms, let me know here.

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I’m very excited to announce that Guide One: Mastering the Third Trimester is now here!!!

This is an interactive guide designed to help you better prepare for baby in the third trimester (interactive checklists). The first section covers the basics of what you need to buy and do before baby arrives. The next touches on the financial decisions to discuss and preparations to make for baby. The last section discusses the physical and psychological challenges that can arise postpartum, to make sure you feel supported in this transition.

Thanks to my Substack subscribers for being my OG supporters. Through reader feedback, I’ve been iterating on the guide and finding my ICP (ideal customer profile). For all subscribers, use the code MOMSROCK to receive your guide for free and to share with another mom friend (you put the discount code in at checkout).

get my copy

This is the first guide in a comprehensive series to support modern moms through the first year of motherhood. Think of it as the beta product; this is a soft launch.

In the second guide, we will be covering what you need to survive and thrive in the fourth trimester: feeding, sleep, schedules, finances, and postpartum health. Many of those topics I’ve touched on in these essays, if you need something to refer to before the next launch:

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My goal is to build up to a book, so if you’re an agent and think this has legs, my DMs are open :).

As always, message me with feedback or suggestions.

If you want to know what actual products I liked and why, I’ve assembled them here.

See you next Sunday!

Welcome to Sundays with Sloane: essays on modern motherhood - what actually helps, what it really costs, and what nobody tells you until you’re in it.

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I never even knew that pumping was a thing before I had my baby. Even while pregnant with S, it didn’t come up often - maybe the algorithm decided it was irrelevant. All the prep materials and classes glossed over it: simply a convenient removal method when away from baby! The dominant narrative is breast is best. I’m all for it if breastfeeding works for you - yay! Breastfeeding didn’t work for me, but because I had read books like Cribsheet and found Reddit communities, I realized I could still “feed my baby” while feeding my baby. And while I had some mild sadness about it, so many women online seemed distraught about it.

Stories other women have shared with me since I’ve started writing, Reddit moms, and my own experience have made it clear that combo feeding needs to be presented as a great option for moms, not something to feel guilty or conflicted about.

Feeding baby is one of many parts of postpartum and early motherhood that aren’t well covered in the existing books and classes. After the chaos of figuring out pumping in real time, here’s what I wish someone had handed me on day one. Today’s article is a peek into the guide to modern motherhood I’m working on, which is why I write on Substack - to promote it and to get more perspectives to make sure it’s comprehensive. If you enjoy this introduction to pumping, join the waitlist to get early access.

Pumping 101

For the curious and inexperienced: pumping is a great middle ground if breastfeeding/nursing isn’t working for you for literally whatever reason or you want to combo feed or you’re away from baby. As a working mom, all of those resonated. Post c-section and latch issues, pumping became the most attractive feeding option for me.

The Pumping Playbook

I went in being flexible and open-minded to how I would feed baby S, thanks to the work of Emily Oster. Breastfeeding was super stressful and painful for me; in recovering from birth, pumping felt like a win-win. It was also a great way to have J involved during night shifts: while I pumped and ate Oreos, he changed and fed and burped baby. I also supplemented with formula because there were numerous days when my output didn’t match S’s consumption.

Guess what? Baby is doing fabulous.

It feels so crazy to write that out and have it stamped on the internet forever: in the thick of postpartum, every decision you make feels laden with societal pressures and judgements. The hormones only augment the weight of these decisions. And next to sleep training, people have endless opinions on how you feed your baby.

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Establishing Milk Supply

⏰ At first your supply is regulating and coming in, so you need to pump on a cadence that matches your baby’s hunger patterns so you can a) feed your baby and b) establish your supply. This means pumping ever 2-4 hours for the first few weeks.

🙌 As your supply regulates sometimes you’re going to be uncomfortable. If you’re close to the time you need to pump, you might start involuntarily leaking everywhere. So fun!

🍼 You will need to figure out a rhythm of pumping before baby is hungry to have a bottle ready. Maybe that means supplementing with formula if your baby’s hunger is waiting for your supply to catch up. DO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT THIS. DO NOT STRESS. Just supplement with formula when needed.

How Often Should You Pump?

Pumping is definitely a more time-intensive option for feeding. You have to spend ~25-30 minutes pumping and then feed + burp baby for however long that takes (every baby is different, but usually ~20-40 minutes). Over time, you’ll figure out how to pump and feed your baby at the same time. Multi-tasking these repetitive motions saves a lot of sanity. Otherwise, you may feel like your waking hours are just being a cow and doing laundry.

⏰ Given you’re supposed to pump on a schedule that mimics breastfeeding, to signal to your body to keep producing milk, and babies need to eat every 2-4 hours, you do need to get up in the middle of the night (MOTN thanks to the Redditors) to pump.

😴 I would pump in MOTN whenever S would need to eat - J would feed and change while I pumped. Figure out a system that works where you feel supported, because these weeks are precious and beautiful, but, yes, exhausting. I share more of what those moments look like in this story:

✨ As S gained weight and slept longer stretches at night, I wouldn’t wake up to pump. Some women on Reddit do, but I personally prioritize sleep and if the pediatrician signs off, I feel fine not being morally superior. I also wrote about that here:

Tips & Time-Saving Hacks

🚫 Your boobs are changing sizes constantly in the weeks postpartum so you need to occasionally adjust the flange sizes. If there’s pain or you feel like you’re not able to fully empty, check your flange size.

👶 Bring your pumping/nursing bra (ideally a 2:1 like this) and pump (with flanges) to the hospital. You can be fitted with the support of a lactation consultant, who could be called with a click of a button. This way is much more convenient than when you’ve left the hospital and have to navigate the big scary world with a crying newborn and being stapled together.

❄️ Fridge Hack: to help preserve your sanity I suggest you look into the 24 hour rule/fridge hack for pump parts. TLDR: if you keep them properly sealed and refrigerated and dont clean in between pumps, you can use everything for 24 hours and then sanitize. I promise you that when its groundhog day and its the same experience every 2-4 hours, this will be a nice reprieve.

👕 Newborn days are not the time for a new wardrobe - you’ll mostly just wear baggy old tshirts because between leaking boobs, spit up, and poop there are a lot of cleanups to be had.

🔄 Your pump parts need to be replaced every 3 months - usually insurance should cover.

Essential Pumping Equipment: Everything You Need to Start

Whatever your feeding philosophy is, there’s no harm in ordering a pump and parts to have on hand. Motherhood is mostly just navigating the unexpected, so better to be prepared and have options!

• Pump - Spectra S1 is objectively the best one (hospital grade); insurance should cover pump and materials

• Pumping/nursing bra (ideally 2:1) - only one I found I liked from momcozy (any other recs??)

• Bottles - we like glass because microplastics are scary

• OXO Tot Dishwasher Basket - because dishwashers have a sterilization function and you don’t need to buy a bottle washer

Power Pumping Explained: Do You Really Need to Do It?

For those interested in “building a stash”, meet the “power pump”. A subtle nod to the girl-boss 2010s era, as all these moms grow up, these short spurts of pumping following an actual session. In theory, it enables you to increase supply and or freeze extra milk from that power session to “build a stash”.

Don’t let the “oversupplier” or “super pumper” moms online psych you out. Why do we need to make this a competition? Like can we please stop. It’s weird.

Dropping Pumps: When You’re Ready to Stop

Whenever you drop pumps and/or increase time in between pumps to wean, you’ll be a leaky faucet. Just maybe don’t make big plans far from the house during those hours.

In a similar vein to the super pumpers, there is a lot of slightly toxic feedback on Reddit about guilt and dropping pumps. Do what works for you, your baby, and your pediatrician!

Disclaimer: There are affiliate links here. I’m exploring transactional revenue streams to keep Sundays with Sloane reader-supported.

Welcome to Sundays with Sloane: essays on modern motherhood - what actually helps, what it really costs, and what nobody tells you until you’re in it.

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This is a follow-up to my first post on family finances and part of an ongoing series on the realities of raising baby in 21st America: $$$.

The Daycare Tours

This is absurd! I scream internally. Instead, I smile politely when the preschool director hands me the tuition form. I was having deja vu, back in the baby store, being told a stroller costs almost as much as rent. Nearly $4,000 a month for daycare!?

We were a few weeks into postpartum, exploring our childcare options: daycare, nanny, stay-at-home parent.

“Sloane would be welcome to join our community,” the director continues. “We also have great events throughout the year for you to meet other parents, too.”

Superb, are morning donuts what the $4k is going towards?

We walk between the classrooms, seeing the babies lined up in their rockers. “We can take S as soon as she’s 3 months old,” the director announces proudly. “We are happy to work with formula or breastmilk; you just bring S’s supplies for the day - food and diapers.”

We discuss the caregiver-to-baby ratio. I mostly just nod along, too stunned from hearing how expensive our life was about to become. Conveniently, the tuition section had been missing from most of the daycare websites.

A line of toddlers hobbles by slowly, holding on to a rope, forming a human centipede following their teacher. “We try to get outside twice a day for our walking toddlers,” she explains. Being a toddler sounded ideal: playtime, snacks, midday nap. And at $4000 a month, this school better be a 5-star experience!

We end the tour back near the baby room. I peek a look. It makes me depressed to see all those babies just chilling there. It felt a little sad to hand over my baby, only a few weeks old, to strangers to take care of, so I could go work to afford to pay these strangers. The director reminds us to apply soon if their school is a fit because spots fill up early!

We push the stroller a few blocks to the next identical brick building with drawings of suns and rainbows stuck to the inside windows.

“Maybe this one will be more affordable?” J questions as we enter the third daycare of our tour.

This one offered bilingual immersion. That sounded like a critical skill to develop at 5 months. Which would cost us $3,369 a month or $3,819 if we couldn’t pick up our daughter by 3pm every day. But! this one already had a waitlist, did we not know that?

The Price of Going Back to Work

At home, J takes baby S through the usual feed-burp-diaper change while I pump and pull out Excel.

I stared at the screen. Even though I’d seen the headlines, I hadn’t truly internalized what they meant. I understand why people get boring after kids - we can’t afford to do anything! lol. Where were we going to find an extra $4K in our budget?

Choosing between career and childcare isn’t always so straightforward. Maybe you love your job, but after taxes, do you net $45K? Does your partner? Is the $45K an “investment” in your career, because our society has made it challenging to reenter the workforce? What’s the tradeoff? Do you value financial freedom and autonomy? When did parenting become so complicated?

There isn’t one right answer, and it can change as your baby grows. I wrote about how I personally navigated the career ambition and motherhood dichotomy here. But it’s only the first chapter!

Cost of Childcare

This is not a uniquely NYC problem, unfortunately. Across the U.S., other families are facing this same reality. Most people are not spending the recommended 7% of income on childcare: in reality, it is often 2-4x that. While there are structural changes underway, our lived reality can’t bank on those rolling out in time.

Use those 40 weeks to prepare, to save, and to figure out what the best childcare options are for your family. We were truly overwhelmed by the massive line item that got added to our budget, and we had to adapt. What that meant for us was a shifting in roles, in priorities, and in how we spent our time. So far, for us, those tradeoffs have been worth it <3.

Resources

• Some states are passing programs to alleviate these burdens, like New Mexico and Michigan

• If you want to understand a bit more about why we are in this crisis.

• I cover financial wellness and education for moms in depth in the guide I’m writing for modern moms. Sign up for the waitlist here.

Welcome to Sundays with Sloane: essays on modern motherhood - what actually helps, what it really costs, and what nobody tells you until you’re in it.

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Buzz, my phone vibrates. buzz buzz.

I was already awake, some supernatural force field caused me to jolt up before the baby monitor even registered her cries.

I grab the phone before the next buzz could wake up J. I want to give him a chance to catch up on sleep. I was already awake, anyway.

The Night Shift Begins (Again)

I lift S from the bassinet, shushing and rocking her as her wails pierce the darkness. We stumble to the kitchen, the streetlights of NYC filtered through the window. Routine took over, one foot in front of the other, the hallway lit just enough to find our way to the fridge. I grab a bottle of milk, swirling it enough to mix the fat that had separated from the water and nudge the top to her; she devours it. The satisfied gulps momentarily make me forget how tired I am. I don’t know what time it is: it doesn’t really matter. The exhaustion feels never-ending; both as an abstract concept of when would postpartum improve and in that 3am feeding session.

I wasn’t finding any relief soon: she still needed to be burped, changed, and I needed to pump.

“I got her diaper” Jordan croaks as he walks around the corner. He appears out of nowhere, an answer to the prayers I didn’t know I sent and yet fulfilling an expectation I very much had. “Let me finish feeding her; you still have to pump.”

We were falling into a quiet rhythm that was bringing back a sense of normalcy to our home. We had a crash course in adjusting to new routines, new divisions of labor - both unspoken and clearly defined - in ways we hadn’t even known to prepare for. Maybe that was why postpartum was so destabilizing? Everyone talked about how the sleep deprivation was hard, but there were so many more unspoken realities, adjustments that every woman was going through - why hadn’t they been more talked about in the prep books?

I hand him our little chicken nugget, grateful that I wasn’t on the night shift alone. I open the fridge again, this time taking out my pumping gear. I strap up and sit down: hooked up to the pump, munching on Oreos, watching reality TV. I’m not sure how long I sat there: time operated on a different stratosphere those days. J came over. “She’s back down, the temperature is okay,” he whispered through the darkness. “You don’t need to check it.”

“Mmm, thank you. Good night,” I mumble, the pump hissing and sucking my words out of the air. As I ate my Oreos and sat there like a cow, my mind started to spiral. Was she too hot? Was she too cold? What if she pooped in the middle of the night? The pump announces it is done with a beep, and I pack up my gear. How do I prevent SIDS? Am I doing enough? I question as I measure out the liquid gold into tomorrow’s bottles.

One Degree of Control

In the first few months postpartum, my husband is the only reason for my sanity as a mom. In the early postpartum days, my anxiety was near constant, pushing me into compulsive behaviors as a way to control some of the millions of uncontrollable variables of being a parent. Over the days and weeks that blur together post-delivery, my fears channeled into one specific quirk: optimal room temperature for baby. It was the one empirical input I could control!

I’d wake up in the middle of the night in cold panic, reach with hunger for my phone, swipe up to see the temperature on the baby monitor. I obsessively checked the AC unit. I considered ordering another thermostat to confirm the room was actually the temperature the existing thermostat reported. I ordered an air purifier instead, that seemed more sane.

My husband had to institute a one-check rule before bed. My therapist gave me a mantra: she’ll tell you if she needs something.

The One-Check Rule the Books Left Out

As S thrives and hits developmental milestones, it feels that the barriers we put up are more for me than for her. Why hadn’t the prep books mentioned I might feel this way? Like it was all so clinical: “You may feel baby blues.”

Only by proactively turning to the internet did I learn that these deep psychological adjustments to being responsible for another human being were valid, and most importantly, not unique. Stories chronicled in , by moms anonymously on Reddit, in Matrescence (must read for every new mom) helped me make sense of this adjustment. It was nice to know I would return to feeling sane at some point and eventually only check the room temperature before bed. It’s also why I’m writing a new guide for modern moms.

Baby Steps

Pumping gear was put away, tomorrow’s bottles were prepared for the next wake window, everything was quiet; I pad over to baby’s room and sneak a peek. She looks peaceful, her chest rising and falling with each breath. I open the door further, ready to go in, ready to make sure the temperature is okay.

“J already checked and he said it was all good” I said my mantra. It didn’t work. My breathing was getting heavier, not calmer.

“She’s good, I promise, let’s get some rest,” J appears next to me again. Somehow, he was so in tune with what I needed, while I was so in tune with what baby needed. I breathe and close her door. Sleep is a good idea.

And yes, I still check the baby monitor every night before I fall asleep to make sure the temperature is ok. Baby steps.

Resources

Postpartum depression and anxiety can show up weeks and months after you are cleared at your 6/8 week OB appointment.

• National Maternal Mental Health Hotline: Call or text 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262) for 24/7, free, confidential support in English and Spanish.

• Matrescence - must read for every new mom to better understand physiologically what is happening

• Nanit - being able to see baby + room temperature was great for my mental health

I cover postpartum comprehensively, in depth, in the guide I’m writing for modern moms. Sign up for the waitlist here.

Disclaimer: There are affiliate links here. I’m exploring transactional revenue streams to keep Sundays with Sloane reader-supported.

Welcome to Sundays with Sloane: essays on modern motherhood - what actually helps, what it really costs, and what nobody tells you until you’re in it.

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This is post #1 on family finances and part of an ongoing series on the realities of raising baby in 21st America: $$$. Post #2 is here on childcare costs.

The sales associate clipped the buckles and pulled the straps to tighten the fit. Then she put the bunny inside the carrier, like a kangaroo pouch. J turned around and smiled at me, thumbs up. While he was checking out his new dad fit in the mirror, Jessica, the sales associate, disappeared to the other side of the baby store. She popped back over while I was snapping pictures of J, holding another carrier, this time the sully wrap. It elicited calm, motherly vibes; farmers’ markets and organic homemade snacks. She helped J to switch carriers, showing him how to best support baby. She explained that this was a great wrap to do skin-to-skin with. That all the SF dads love it. J said we’d take it, in addition to the first carrier. He looked so excited, it was finally sinking in that we were HAVING A BABY!!

Nobody Warned Me the Stroller Cost More Than My Rent

“Explain your lifestyle,” Jessica asked. “Are we more city, walks on the sidewalk, or pushing stroller in nature and taking baby on hikes?”

We walked over and looked at the rows of stroller options. Why are there so many options? I was lost without Jessica navigating me through these particular doors of motherhood. I turned over the dangling price tag, ever so thankful that my eyes were faced down so she couldn’t see my facial expression. Why were these strollers almost as expensive as my first apartment?

Jessica explained why an all-in-one stroller would probably be the best option for us. Carseat, bassinet, convertible stroller, all-terrain all-in-one for NYC. Her pitch landed. We go on mommy-and-me runs with the Bugaboo.

While J tried out the strollers, Jessica walked me over to the feeding area. We discussed the types of bottles to get, which ones were “most popular.” It was like having my own personal baby guru. Then she brought me over to the postpartum hygiene essentials: nipple balm for breastfeeding, peri bottles for after birth. What? (I was ~25 weeks and had yet to read much about preparing for labor and delivery.) J’s voice broke my rising panic as I looked at all these postpartum health supplies.

“Which crib do we need?” his voice carried across the room. I turned and waddled over to inspect the rows of bassinets, convertible cribs, 5-in-1 options, 8-in-1 options. Tan, white, grey, black, wood. Wtf is the difference between an 8 and a 5 option crib? Why do I need this to assemble in 8 different ways?

As baby grows and transitions to longer sleep cycles, you’ll want to move from the bassinet to the crib, Jessica explained.

Why? is all I could think. Won’t baby be fine if she just starts in the crib and grows into it eventually?

Jessica briefly started to ask about which sleep philosophy we were going to follow. Umm…whichever gets baby to sleep? I joked.

Wait, How Much?

We ended the showroom tour with the diapering section. “This is our most popular changing table,” she pointed to the Nestig. $1000+ for a literal dresser? Did SF moms just not experience sticker shock? I mumbled ooh wow, my pregnant brain didn’t communicate fast enough that a smile was the socially appropriate behavior as I feigned interest. I was drowning in price tags and SKUs. No one told me that baby needs so many things! No one told me that those things cost so much! When did this become part of modern motherhood? (I’m absolutely obsessed with this luxury motherhood concept.)

J and I closed out by choosing a few outfits from the back sale rack. I was overwhelmed with the prices, the options, the choices, THE STUFF. Why did I need so much stuff for baby? Where were we going to put all this stuff? How much would all this cost us? Was I a bad mom if I didn’t get the Breezabottle maker and just dumped formula in a cup and shook it up instead? If I fed her cold milk straight from the fridge without using a bottle warmer, would I ruin her digestive system?

At each turn in motherhood, moms are questioned and judged, sometimes it’s silent stares and other times it’s that unsolicited POV on the street. With the rise of productization and consumerism, moms are sold a narrative that if we just buy this one thing, we will magically solve baby’s cries, baby’s inability to sleep (normal, they are a baby!), that you will become a good mom. It’s these moments in the early months postpartum, when we are at our most vulnerable, that it is easy to feel that swiping our credit card will ease any worries about whether we are doing things the right way.

The Bills Nobody Prepares You For

We’ve already discussed how motherhood changes your body, your sense of self, your autonomy, your career and ambition. It also can absolutely wreck your finances if you let it. You’ll need to figure out childcare. You’ll need to figure out what childcare means: is one parent staying home? daycare? nanny? You’ll have to pay for labor, delivery, prenatal appointments, postnatal appointments, and pediatric visits. You have to get so much stuff for baby.

Our visit to the baby store left us dizzy. We got sticker shock when we read our hospital delivery bill in the mail. I felt the remnants of morning sickness when I saw how much we spent on diapers since birth. When the daycare head handed us the tuition 2026 sheet, it felt insulting. The average daycare cost in the U.S. is $28,000. According to LendingTree, to support a family of 4 in the U.S., the average household income would need to be $402K. Because most families can’t make that work (average household income is $145K for this population), the woman usually steps back from her career. Families are having fewer kids, because they simply can’t afford them. Wage parity is worsening, because women bear that burden. Until policy can catch up, the best solution is education, planning, and a little less social pressure, so please share Sundays with Sloane with a mom in need!

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Tip: Contribute to a “sinking fund” for postpartum support. In general, there will be unexpected costs so having a fund set aside for these expenses can reduce the financial burden of transitioning to motherhood.

Our shopping trip turned into a wake-up call on finances and parenthood; a chapter that was somehow left out in all the baby prep books. We’ve since been invited to clothing swap groups and giveaways. We take our clothes to the consignment store and mostly buy what has already been loved. We participate in the Buy Nothing meet-ups. It’s become its own form of social interaction and a way to meet other parents. Motherhood doesn’t need to be another status game. The kids will have to navigate that enough when they grow up. In the meantime, we will be allocating any savings from consigning and passing on the Artipoppe carrier to S’s 529a instead.

What We Actually Spent: $4,665

This is just a snapshot of some of the items you need for baby; most you only need for a few months, so renting or finding on FB marketplace is a great option. Babies really only need a safe space to sleep, eat, and be changed; don’t feel bad if you show up to the mom walks without the most decked out stroller. For a more comprehensive list, sign up for the guide I’m writing for modern moms.

A baby registry is a great way for enthusiastic friends and family to contribute - some even have a split gift function for larger items. We were fortunate that S’s grandma gifted her the stroller.

• Baby Carrier: Sully Wrap ($74) and Ergo Carrier ($93)

• Car seat + Stroller: Bugaboo Travel System ($1700)

• Bassinet: Snoo ($1600)

• Baby Monitor: ($400 for stand + $269 subscription)

• Crib: Babyletto Convertible Crib ($379)

• Nursing chair repurposed west elm chair

• Changing table: repurposed old dresser and changing pad ($50)

• Burb clothes (you really do need a lot, read why here) ($30/pack x 3 = ~$100)

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Resources

I highly recommend finding a baby store and making your registry with them. I found it a way better experience in terms of education and support than scrolling through TikTok. And it supports local business owners! For my mamas in SF: Sprout is actually the best. “Jessica” (name changed) was truly our baby guru, would have been lost without her.

I cover financial wellness and education for moms in depth in the guide I’m writing for modern moms. Sign up for the waitlist here.

Disclaimer: There are affiliate links here. I’m exploring transactional revenue streams to keep Sundays with Sloane reader-supported.

Welcome to Sundays with Sloane: essays on modern motherhood - what actually helps, what it really costs, and what nobody tells you until you’re in it.

Subscribe now

The first time we woke up before baby, J and I looked around in confusion (okay, I was actually in a panic thinking - is she alive?). We peered over the bassinet: the hum of the Snoo rocked her back and forth as she lay there sleeping, our perfect baby.

Newborn, New Schedule

I first got acquainted with the sleep deprivation that characterizes early motherhood when I was in labor. My sleep was broken into hourly increments for five days as I went through induction, delivery, and recovery in the hospital (read how to better prepare for labor here).

In the newborn class, the nurse explained that in the early weeks, a baby needs to eat at least every 2-3 hours. And that means you have to get up to feed them (nurse, pumping, or formula) every 2-3 hours, too. I learned from moms on Reddit that babies sometimes want to eat more often, just because.

When we came home with baby, I still hadn’t internalized our new schedule and just how much our lives were changing. Maybe I was naive, maybe I just did not understand what that meant in practice: my sleep, too, would be on that same schedule.

Over the first few months, J and I took turns on the night shift: I’d pump and he’d feed, burp, and do changes. We fell into a rhythm as we became in tune with our baby. As we grew accustomed to our new life, some of those early mornings became my favorite. The sound of the pump swooshing as I watched reruns of Modern Family at 1am. J burping S, their shadows dancing across the map of the world mural in her nursery, whispering all the places she’d visit one day. The sleepy 4am mornings, cuddling in bed. Watching the sunrise come up, feeling like it was just us at the center of the world.

But the lack of sleep made everything just a bit more difficult, too: healing, managing swirling hormones, communicating with J, understanding what baby needed. I craved sleep, but my body physically yearned for baby every time she cried.

When the pediatrician signed off on longer feeding windows based on S’s weight and growth patterns, I jumped at the chance to get 4-5 hours of uninterrupted sleep. When S was developmentally ready, she told me to choose a sleep training method and try it out: everyone would be happier with better and more predictable sleep.

The Snoo Helped Us Sleep Train

Despite the deep exhaustion, the littlest things would keep me awake; my ears strained to make sure S was breathing. We got the Snoo because its recognition for safe sleep eased my anxiety about SIDS. This motorized bassinet promises to soothe baby when she is upset. The claims to help her “learn” to sleep resonated with my emotionally frayed state (I wrote more about other products we buy to ease our parental worries here). I dreamed of restful sleep. I would swipe my credit card on pretty much anything aesthetically pleasing and functionally supportive to surviving the newborn days. I was willing to believe this device might magically sleep train baby so I didn’t have to deal with the torture of CIO (cry-it out method, see below). It also seemed aligned with the concept of le pause.

Le pause is a tactic French parents swear by: take a beat to let your baby self-soothe and settle when they let out a cry. (This is not the same thing as being unresponsive to screaming or crying). I internalized this philosophy as it helped both S and I find rest. No one tells you about the weird grunting noises and sounds babies make in their sleep: initially terrifying, and loud! No need to wake baby up, according to le pause, they are just discovering their new world through these sounds and noises. I could lay my head back on the pillow in relief.

I’m not sure if I had “a good baby,” or if it was the efficacy of the Snoo, or my strict adherence to le pause after reading Bringing Up Bebe, but we eventually found a rhythm. As we established predictable schedules and consistent sleepy cues to help S understand bedtime, life began to fall back into place. That rhythm became a lifeline to regaining solid footing in the weeks postpartum (read more here about why). As the sleep deprivation faded, we felt more confident in ourselves as parents; we were figuring it out! While the Snoo was effectively our night nurse, we did end up doing a version of CIO when we moved to a traditional crib. That’s what worked for us, but what might work for you and your family could look different. Do your research and trust yourself in making the best choices for yourself.

It Takes A Village

We quickly discovered why the popular refrain “it takes a village” is very much true. Because you simply cannot exist on so little sleep.

We were fortunate to have family members stay over a few nights during the first few weeks postpartum when sleep was the most fractured, and yet rest is the most critical. You cannot do it alone - literally, evolutionarily, we are not designed to mother alone. Take time to think about what village you can assemble, including what you can afford or want to pay for in terms of a village (postpartum doula, night nurse, nanny).

Tip: if we have baby #2, I will be contributing to a “sinking fund” for postpartum support. In general, there will be unexpected costs so having a fund set aside for these expenses can reduce the financial burden of transitioning to motherhood.

You Will Sleep Again

Those early days are a blur of sleep exhaustion and uncertainty if you’re “doing it right”, with a smattering of moments of utter joy. It is the most insane time: you are exhausted, depleted, euphoric, in awe - so many feelings are coursing through you (and hormones too!). Eventually, baby will get bigger and go longer between feeds. Before you know it, baby will be connecting sleep cycles and you’ll have to cap naps. And sweetest of all, I promise that you, baby, and your family will eventually get a full night’s sleep <3.

Resources

My takeaway for all new and expecting parents, having personally gone through it: there’s no superiority in any of this. The “best” method is the one your baby responds to and the one that works best for your family.

The internet and Reddit is where I discovered all types of sleep philosophies, as well as their critics and evangelists. I’m covering these philosophies in depth in the guide I’m writing for modern moms. The first guide, Mastering the Third Trimester, is out now here - subscribers get a complimentary copy. Sign up for full version at the waitlist here.

Let me know what method ended up working for you?

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Cry It Out (CIO) / Extinction Method

The extinction method means putting baby down drowsy but awake, leaving the room, and not returning until morning (ignoring cries). It sounds brutal on paper. Many parents report that it works faster than anything else (within a few nights). This is the hardest method on the parents (usually the mom).

“I stood outside the door eating chips so I couldn’t hear as well. Zero regrets. We were all miserable before this.” — r/NewParents

“My pediatrician told me the research is actually very clear that CIO does not cause psychological harm. I needed to hear that from a doctor before I could do it.” — r/beyondthebump

The Ferber Method (Graduated Extinction)

CIO with a check-in schedule: put baby down, leave, and return at increasing intervals (3 minutes, 5 minutes, 10 minutes) to offer reassurance. Sometimes the check-ins make it worse. Ferber is often a good middle ground for parents.

“We tried Ferber first and honestly the check-ins made it SO much worse. Switched to full extinction and she was sleeping through the night in 4 days.” — r/sleeptrain

“Ferber saved us. The intervals gave ME a script to follow and that structure was what I needed mentally to get through it.” — r/beyondthebump

No-Cry / Gentle Sleep Training

The catch-all for the methods that prioritize minimizing tears: pick-up-put-down, the fading method, nursing/rocking to almost asleep and breaking the association gradually. The philosophy is that babies have real emotional needs at night and that gradual, responsive approaches lead to healthier long-term sleep and attachment.

“We did no-cry for 4 months. Nothing changed. Finally did CIO out of desperation. Baby slept in 3 nights. I wish someone had told me it was okay to switch.” — r/beyondthebump

“The fading method worked beautifully for us. Took about 6 weeks but she transitioned really peacefully and I have zero regrets.” — r/AttachmentParenting

Welcome to Sundays with Sloane: essays on modern motherhood - what actually helps, what it really costs, and what nobody tells you until you’re in it.

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I’m not sure when I really realized how different my options were as a girl instead of a boy. It was never one sudden moment, but more a million little cracks I tried not to trip on as I excelled in life. And I really do mean excelled: first person in my family to graduate from college, blue-chip resume, climbed the corporate ladder. As the daughter of an immigrant, it was ingrained in me that my life in the U.S. was very much for the taking. My dad instilled a belief in me that I could do anything. It didn’t matter my gender.

And that pretty much was the case up until I entered the workforce. As I metamorphosed from girl to woman, I began to understand, from first-hand experience, that unlike every male peer, I would be faced, at some point, with choices and tradeoffs.

The Corporate Playbook Doesn’t Have a Motherhood Chapter

At first, it was fertility-related. I learned at an OB appointment in my early 20s that I had diminished ovarian reserve. lol what? I was shown a chart that illustrated my shrinking reproductive window. The percentage likelihood of having a "desired family size” decreased with each year I got older. It didn’t feel fair. While my male peers were deciding between Ibiza and Mykonos for summer vacation, I was coming to terms with biological realities and deciding: did I want to be a mom or not?

I was in my 20s in NYC - the last thing on my mind was having a baby! After that visit with my OB, I became intimately aware of my biological clock ticking while trying my hardest to rise the ranks. But when your childbearing years align with senior promotions in white-collar jobs, the mismatch is inevitable.

When I got pregnant, reality started to set in. In the first trimester, I could barely stay awake past 8pm. In a career where getting ahead means late nights in excel and networking dinners, I was immediately grappling with the barriers to excelling at the job. By the third trimester, as I got larger and larger, and moved slower and slower, I began to see the physical barriers to doing the job: I couldn’t fly to see current and potential founders. Lugging myself to meetings became a full-on workout. I also became dumb - I’d leave my phone in the fridge, forget what I was writing in an email. The psychological barriers were probably the hardest to come to terms with: I literally just couldn’t remember things! (your brain functioning does come back - don’t stress).

The Identity Crisis Nobody Talks About

Maternity leave hit the hardest: all I wanted was to spend every minute with my beautiful baby that I LITERALLY MADE. I couldn’t imagine going back to work! But then I’d be cleaning bottles for the 10th time that day and think….wtf, I didn’t grind away all these years to clean bottles? It’s all a little confusing.

In a society where motherhood is seen as less, I’m not sure who I am or supposed to be. Before, I knew the playbook if I wanted a certain life. Now, I’m operating without a manual. Because we still exist in a patriarchal society, it’s hard to know what direction to go in now. At firms, I’d hear how female partners would be joining board meetings from the delivery room. I promised that wouldn’t be me - I’d have boundaries! Well, it was me, and I deeply apologize for judging those women (my daughter’s birth came a bit early).

When you’ve been searching for and rewarded at each rung on the corporate ladder, it’s hard to understand how to excel at the ambiguity that is motherhood. I didn’t go through all those late nights in the library at school, eating cold take-out at the office while iterating on presentations, pushing to be seen as equal to male counterparts at every turn, to put it all on a shelf just because I had a baby. With each mom I talk to, I know my feelings aren’t unique. We are all on our own journey of figuring out what this duality means.

A handful of things I was asked and told as I’ve experienced matrescence:

• You probably want to only take a few days off, right?

• Are you worried you might miss out on investment opportunities?

• How much maternity leave are you taking?

• Who is staying home to raise your kid? It’s important that the mom is there.

  

Before, I understood the formula to get ahead, to get success. But motherhood isn’t that way: there is no playbook, you don’t have as much control as you feel in the mirage of corporate white-collar life.

The Financial Reality: Why “Just Stay Home” Isn’t an Option

There is also the reality of financial freedom. I don’t have a trust fund, I don’t get help from my parents either, and in today’s economy, it’s challenging to support a family without a dual-income household.

But the U.S. labor market is not designed to support anything less than maximum production (ahem, household work doesn’t count, sorry!). Between the financial realities of modern-day life, and too many horror stories of women being left with nothing, there are also various pressures to keep working outside of the identity crisis.

Redefining Ambition: The Cupcake Instead of the Whole Cake

Lately, I’ve been into this new idea of seasons: maybe there are different times in our lives we can lean into different priorities.

I first got the idea during COVID when I read this article about European moms working part-time. In the same field. At senior titles. Europe wins again! It got me thinking - could I go both, too? I don’t want someone else to raise my child, but I also enjoy using my brain to its fullest. And ngl, I appreciate the societal recognition that comes with that. Part-time work sounded like the first viable solution to the motherhood:career dilemma. So I’m trying it out. I started my own advisory practice where I’m taking nearly a decade of institutionalized knowledge on tech investing and startup growth in-house (to my house, but like actually literally because #wfh).

In some ways, in getting both, I still have to give up something. I won’t get the “partner” title by rising the ranks. I won’t have a brand name on my resume to open doors anymore. To be honest, I don’t really know what the “end outcome” or “success” will look like. Like I said, there is no playbook anymore. But I’m having a lot more fun doing it on my terms.

Now my days look a little different and my ambition is a bit different. It’s to create something for myself that I’m proud of, that pays the bills, and lets me be a mom on the terms I want. My ambition and sense of worth is taking a new shape now, mostly driven by the question: what is sustainable?

I’m not a man - I won’t be able to have my cake and eat it too. I hope things change by the time S is grown up. But in the meantime, maybe I can get a cupcake? 🧁

Resources

• I haven’t finished it yet, but The Power Pause has been illuminating in how to think through the career:motherhood dilemma

• It is time to normalize part-time or flexible jobs as viable options for parents

• Logistical and financial planning can better prepare you - I’m covering these details in depth in the guide I’m writing for modern moms. Sign up for the waitlist here.

Welcome to Sundays with Sloane: essays on modern motherhood - what actually helps, what it really costs, and what nobody tells you until you’re in it.

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Busy week being a mom, ramping up with a new client, and hosting Shabbat dinner!

As discussed last week, in the spirit of building in public, I made nice headway on my guide, using the time to work on those edits in lieu of Sunday’s article. I really would like to clone myself sometimes…

Anyways, in between diaper changes and responding to emails, I’ve been collecting tabs this week the way I used to {still do? 🤫} collect free samples at Sephora. After actually reading them, I realized there was a surprisingly common theme: the invisible cost of motherhood. Not just financially (though we’re going to talk about that), but emotionally, professionally, and in the way it quietly rewrites who you thought you were.

Here are the 5 reads that lived rent-free in my brain this week and why I think you should read them too. Enjoy!

It’s National Working Moms Day — Spread the Jelly

asked their community to define what being a working mom means to them. These are some of the most honest and relatable statements I’ve read about working mom identity. A few of my favorites:

Aspirational Parenthood — Considered Chaos

Considered Chaos

Post-Luxury Status Symbol #3: Aspirational Parenthood

In the world of the wealthy, where far more people than the Maisons would prefer can buy their handbags - or better yet, get a knock-off at Walmart - raising children emerges as the one thing that simply cannot be duped…

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4 months ago · 357 likes · 30 comments · Eugene Healey

I absolutely LOVED this essay (and in general, Eugene’s takes); it’s a cultural gut-check. argues that having a big family has become the ultimate status symbol, because it requires several forms of privilege operating simultaneously: financial stability, career capital, and support systems that most people simply don't have.

In reality, parenting is a lot less glamorous than portrayed online, unless of course, you have help. Magical yes, but also you’re basically cleaning up 24/7 in the early days. I personally found that it’s hard not to lose your identity in that. As some in the comments pointed out, maybe only if you have a certain level of resources is the lived experience equal to the aspirational being splashed online.

Favorite quote of the essay: “You need enough accumulated career capital to take parental leave without it being career suicide.” I’ve found that this is particularly true for women - the status symbol of aspirational parenthood is actually far more intertwined with women’s autonomy and options than is often talked about.

My lived experience as a working mom has not matched the vision of motherhood or “aspirational parenthood” often sold by the media. I found it created pressure and cognitive dissonance when my experience of motherhood wasn’t aligning with what I was seeing online, hence, the origin of Sunday’s with Sloane.

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The Mother With a Full-Time Job, Three Kids, and a Husband Who Travels — Motherhood, Untitled

Motherhood, Untitled

The mother with a full-time job, three kids, and a husband who travels

This week: Falling asleep on the couch surrounded by Valentine hearts, answering work emails from the dentist chair, and registering for summer camp before her hair is dry…

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3 months ago · 6 likes · 2 comments · Motherhood, Untitled

Absolutely vibing with these anonymous first-hand stories of real moms from . Yeah, not everyone will be relatable, but I think that’s what’s powerful: we all have unique experiences but are navigating the same themes as moms. Any versions with dad stories?

Favorite quote: “I always feel so rushed, like I’m trying to accomplish everything in hidden pockets of time.” Girl, me too. I think every working mom feels this way. Maybe we all need clones?

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The Large American Family is a Luxury Good — Money with Katie

Money with Katie

The large American family is a luxury good

A cherished milestone of modern American adulthood is rewatching the 1990 classic Home Alone through Zillow-pilled eyes for the first time, witnessing the wings on either side of the McCallister house, and realizing, woah, those people were rich. So much so that a…

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5 months ago · 218 likes · 30 comments · Katie Gatti Tassin

It costs around $300,000 to raise a child from birth to age 17 in the US before college, which adds another $150,000 on average. uses that as a launchpad for a piece arguing that having more than one child in America has quietly become a status symbol (see Eugene’s essay). The contrast she draws with Norway, where parental leave and subsidized childcare are treated as basic rights, not luxuries, will make you want to trade citizenship (yes, I routinely fantasize about moving to Europe).

*P.S. In an interesting twist of political ideology, the U.S. almost passed universal childcare in 1970s (Comprehensive Child Development Act). President Nixon killed the bill, though, because it looked too communist (called it government overreach into family life). Learned this all in a compelling piece from Mom’s First!

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The Permanent Underclass Has Good GMAT Scores — Artificial Whimsy

Artificial Whimsy

The Permanent Underclass Has Good GMAT Scores

I am spending my final months at Stanford taking leisurely bike rides to the pool, talking to my OpenClaw agent about nothing in particular, taking mental snapshots of the last light turning the sky behind Hoover Tower a beautiful azure, and then rage-deleting all of my agents (are agents the new tabs?) and spending my Saturdays not using anything AI at…

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3 months ago · 74 likes · 19 comments · Artificial Whimsy

Yes, this has nothing to do with motherhood, but not everything needs to be an echo chamber. First, I just love ’s writing and the topics they philosophize on. Second, the fears around what the world will look like as AI becomes more ubiquitous is very much relevant to motherhood: what world am I bringing children into, what are my responsibilities to them to best prepare for the future, what’s going to give S a leg up in this world (run by men! see my thoughts on that below).

This one is technically about Stanford MBA students spiraling over AI, job market anxiety, and the fear of obsolescence. But those same thought patterns and choices are relevant to working moms, too.

That’s all folks - have a great week! Will see you next Sunday, back for some regular scheduled programming.

Welcome to Sundays with Sloane: essays on modern motherhood - what actually helps, what it really costs, and what nobody tells you until you’re in it.

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The Illusion of Control (and Why We Cling to It Anyway)

I’ve always found the concept of a birth plan funny. Even before I got pregnant. Like, how can you plan life? As I got deeper into the third trimester, I started reading some online: they ranged from simple and practical to lavish and ridiculous, even somewhat delusional. But as pregnancy progressed and delivery started to loom, I began to understand why these women clung to their plan so adamantly: the desire for control in an uncontrollable environment. To have some bodily autonomy when you’ve been sharing your body with the cutest alien for 40 weeks. So I started to mentally write mine. When I read that the US has the worst maternal mortality rate compared to peer nations, I added stay alive under “delay epidural?” and “calm spa-like environment”.

What Even Is A Birth Plan?

A birth plan is a set of specifications and requests the birthing parent has regarding labor and delivery for herself and baby. It covers pain management, atmosphere, who can be in the room, laboring support, etc. It is important to think through the questions and options available during labor and delivery: what will make you feel most safe and supported?

The Birth Plan No One Asked About: My Emergency Induction Story

I thought I had a few more weeks to assemble the diaper caddy and wrap up work when I went in for my 37-week check-up. I had a term sheet out, I had a work dinner, I had plans! My blood pressure was a bit high on the first reading, so they took it again. And then again. When my OB told me I needed to go to triage at the hospital, I laughed. This wasn’t on my birth plan! When I asked if she was sure, she laughed right back at me and sent me to Lenox.

I didn’t have my hospital bag. I didn’t have the 10-foot-long charger that everyone tells you you need (they sell portable chargers, fyi, buy one!). I didn’t have the car seat. I just had my work bag and laptop. I went into the hospital a working woman, I came out a mom. It’s the weirdest experience for time to be continuing around you, but for your sense of time to be temporarily stopped. You realize your general insignificance to the world, while experiencing probably the most significant thing you’ll ever do.

In triage, they ran more tests. The result: preeclampsia. I was getting induced. They didn’t ask about my birth plan then. And very quickly it was going out the window anyway, clearly.

When 'Natural Birth' Meets Medical Reality

I cried - I was absolutely fricking petrified. Also, thanks to my guru I knew that with each intervention, the likelihood of more interventions would go up. I had been leaning towards trying to do everything as naturally as possible for as long as possible: something about the glamorization of femininity and womanhood, one way being the only ‘real’ way to give birth, and tradwife philosophy meeting mainstream media had clearly seeped into my psyche. That, or maybe because my mom had two natural homebirths, I was subconsciously swayed.

Shoutout to the nurses and anesthesiologist who prepped me. Who laid down the facts: I will be in the most pain I have ever experienced. “We have the tools to help,” they said. I love modern medicine and science. Like looooove.

I’m not really sure if I was “in labor” ever. Nothing was working in the induction; nothing moved S along, but my blood pressure kept getting worse. They broke my water - still nothing. I hung out on the peanut ball for a while (iykyk), nothing. And still no one asked about my birth plan!

@nurse_sydneyHow to use a peanut ball from a labour & delivery nurse 🤱🤰 Cannot be taken as medical advice #newmom #labour #labouranddeliverynurse #nurse #baby #newborn #babylove #labourandbirth #birth #peanutball #midwife #postpartum #firsttimemom #pediatrician #peanutball #birthingball #skintoskin #obgyn #doula #babymaking #swaddle

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Modern Medicine Is My Love Language

Pitocin on, Pitocin off. Max doses. A break. Nothing. For 24+ hours, I sat hooked up to tubes and needles and monitoring machines while nothing happened. And then it all started unraveling so quickly. Everything is a bit hazy - between the hormones, lack of sleep, and whatever was being injected into my veins. I was being wheeled to the OR in one moment and in the next they were showing me my beautiful baby. They didn’t ask me about my birth plan then, either.

Some moms stick so adamantly to their birth plan that things go sideways. Some have none at all. Some birth plans I saw requested the presence of their doula in the birthing room. Doulas and midwife involvement have been shown to decrease the risks of intervention during birth, so ask your OBGYN about any they recommend. If we have baby #2, I definitely will be looking into it.

Side note if any readers are / know any doulas, I’d love to collaborate on a substack since this is not my area of expertise!

My birth plan never got activated. That deal never got done. But that’s okay. I have a healthy beautiful baby that I get to be a mom to. And that’s what is most important. So, while I understand the desire to hold on to a semblance of control, ultimately, how you give birth is just the beginning of a lifetime of things that may not go to plan as a parent.

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Some things I learned the hard way: reality is different from TikTok

• EAT BEFORE YOU GO TO THE HOSPITAL. I had to BEG the nurse to let me eat a Caesar salad wrap before getting hooked up

• No, you don’t really need to bring a whole suitcase for snacks. They don’t let you eat in the case of medical interventions

• Bring your own pillows for yourself and your partner

• Get a portable charger

• Bring Gatorade / electrolytes and ginger ale - unfortunately, nausea is not just reserved for the first trimester anymore

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If you enjoyed this perspective of birth plans, join the waitlist to get early access to the guide. The guide I’m writing is a comprehensive resource for moms in the third trimester through postpartum. Substack is the ongoing conversation where we build community. It’s where motherhood becomes more than the checklists, one Sunday at a time.

Welcome to Sundays with Sloane: essays on modern motherhood - what actually helps, what it really costs, and what nobody tells you until you’re in it.

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In college, I wrote a paper on whether the washing machine has made women’s lives easier. Rather than shifting gender roles, I argued that it just added another expectation to our laundry list of to-dos. I would like to take all of that back now.

Based on recent primary research, I’ve decided to take the wins technology delivers while society catches up. I now bow down to the stackable washer/dryer. Without you, I don’t know where I’d be. Without you, I would have gone insane postpartum. Yeah, AI might take your white-collar job, but I sleep soundly knowing that when I’m on the clock as mom, that job won’t be automated anytime soon. There’s simply too much laundry.

Why I Love My Washer-Dryer

We had one of those days where when it rains, it pours. Sometimes, tbh, that feels like a daily occurrence as a mom. With each new oopsie, a new, and mostly clean, item is tossed on top of the ever-growing pile of laundry. My internal dialogue while changing S goes a little like this as I am engulfed by cloths and clothes.

The laundry is never-ending. How does this tiny creature make so many things so dirty? Morning till night, whatever hour of the day, a new item gets tossed in. Thank god for the laundry machine, I’ve never used something so often.

Tip: get doubles for alot of things (sleepsack, crib sheets). You will definitely need a fresh bedsheet at 2am when baby spits up and thank your past self for getting it.

The laundry is running all the time. At first, I tried to keep things organized and have “laundry days”. Eventually, I succumbed to its omnipresence.

I hate dirty laundry. I hate laundry. There’s so much of it. It’s never-ending. So if you need to wash that one burp cloth, go for it. Sometimes, the washer runs on just one outfit! Because I don’t want the strawberry juice to stain or the hummus to dry up. And I really can’t deal with any more laundry.

Then there’s my clothes too. The nursing bras. The pants that don’t really fit my shifting body. The faded hoodie from some college club, a distant memory when you’re surrounded by binkies and color contrast cards.

Every time I walk by the laundry hamper, I swear I toss in something else to wash.

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How Many Burp Cloths Do New Moms Really Need?

I swear half of the laundry bin is burp cloths. You need so many burp cloths. Burp cloths when feeding. Because you know, it’s a baby and they have to learn how to eat and make a mess in the process. Then there are the burp cloths for the actual burps. And then for the projectile vomits. And then the dribbling mess running down her chin that you don’t have any more burp cloths for, so you use your ratty tshirt. It’s only 10am, but it’s already gone through battle.

Tip: get a lot of burp cloths. You will need more than you think.

S’s outfit gets changed multiple times a day - sometimes because we have a blowout, more often because she spit up, and sometimes just because! Add those clothes to the ever-growing pile, please.

Now she’s crawling, and there are day clothes and nap clothes and pjs. And she’s eating real food too, so there are more messes - so many messes. I’ve learned quickly, in the last year, to be lighthearted and find the humor in the messes. Sometimes I don’t want any messes and sometimes I’m right there with her, making it messy.

But then you have to clean up the messes and make sure there are clean pjs. So everything gets tossed in the washer.

18 Years of Laundry

In NYC, an in-unit washer/dryer is a true luxury. As a mom, I’m giving it a status upgrade. The machine has become my lord and savior. It seems that thing is running morning, noon, and night.

I do think it actually might be never-ending though…at least for the next 18 years. And then, I’m sure, I’ll be missing the piles of burp clothes, socks, and onesies. I dare even say, I may become nostalgic for all that laundry <3.

Sloane’s Favorite Things: laundering + staying clean

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Financial Audit: laundering + staying clean

Small Story Burp cloths: $20 (pack of 4) 
Dreft Baby Detergent: $18
Honest Wipes: $20 (pack of 4)
In-unit laundry in NYC: washer/dryer units add $500-1000/month to rent
Mustela No Rinse Cleansing Baby Micellar Water: $18

While the large expenses are often already taken into consideration, with parenting the hidden expenses, like replacing stained clothes, are often a second thought. Don't forget to factor those into your budget!

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I sent this article to my friend way before I even became pregnant. Something about the simplicity of the soup and the generations of women welcoming new moms to motherhood felt sacred; it had moved me.

I didn’t know what to actually expect from postpartum. You hear all these horror stories and lots of snuggly propaganda. The only consistency is the sleepless nights, unless you can afford a night nurse, of course. I’d done egg freezing, so I knew the hormonal crash would be difficult. I wasn’t ready for just how much I felt it demanded of me.

Miyeokguk: The Postpartum Soup That Heals Body and Soul

We were maybe a week or two into postpartum, I’m not sure, it all blends together, when my friend asked if she could come deliver some soup. Her mom had made me seaweed beef soup, miyeokguk (미역국), from scratch. The very one I had sent her all that time before. I’d somehow lost my appetite in the haze of learning how to change diapers, pump milk, and comfort my new baby. Nothing appealed to me. I was so tired and depleted. Birth takes everything from you - you’re literally drained of blood, fluids, and a baby. And with nursing, the havoc just continues. I couldn’t believe she remembered.

My friend is Korean. When I told her that I couldn’t believe she had remembered, she explained to me the significance of the soup. That it was a “part of our tradition”. This was the way new moms “replenish the body.”

My friend warmed up a bowl; I felt overwhelmed by this gesture. It was so beautiful. This soup healed me in a way I didn’t know I needed. It made me feel safe. Her mother was welcoming me to a new part of womanhood. And with my daughter, I was now part of that cycle continuing. It was all very meta. The soup nourished my soul and replenished me - maybe it was feeling connected to women across generations, sharing this meal at this transitional moment. The sleep deprivation and the hormonal rollercoaster make you think deeply: after all, you’ve just literally created life.

And in creating life, you inevitably say goodbye to your old self. Wrestling with that metamorphosis is strange. Postpartum is strange.

The Friends Who Showed Up (And How They Did It)

I think friends should get a little pamphlet with tips on how to best show up for their new mom friends. For me, the ones who went the extra mile, like it was somehow no big deal, left the biggest marks.

The one that brought me soup to feed my soul and heal my body. The one who washed dishes while demanding I take a nap. The ones that sent us food and brought us meals. The ones that suggested easy dinners out, to help me remember myself, who I was outside of being a mom. The ones that brought books to help distract me when the anxiety was bad. The one that sent a literal box of Gatorade because #hydration. For the ones that held S and fed her or watched her sleep while I caught a desperately needed nap, shower, or just had a moment to myself: thank you.

The one that got us a bunting because it might be cold still. Somehow, I had forgotten that on the registry. I remember using that for the first time, maybe the third or fourth night home - S wouldn’t sleep and kept crying at 3am, no matter what we did. And then I remembered how Nordic moms take their babies outside to sleep sometimes. Never have I been more grateful for that friend. Or for the mommy influencers for sharing their tips from different cultures. There are so many different ways of parenting, of nurturing, of mothering - and yet we are all connected through this shared experience of growing a literal human being. It’s crazy.

S went to sleep within 5 minutes of us going on the walk, street lights casting shadows of the stroller as the cold rocked her to bed. I finally got to sleep, too.

Finding Your Village in the Fourth Trimester

Everyone talks about needing a village; postpartum showed me who mine truly was. It highlighted the friendships that crossed into a new chasm. The ones that could meet me and support me in the metamorphosis into motherhood. The ones who saw me raw and vulnerable in a new way - unsure of whether I was doing the right thing as a mom. Was I a good mom - sitting there covered in spit and throw up and milk and poop and more spit. Tired. You think they are a bff forever after a drunk night out, but it's different when they are helping you clean up your baby’s throw-up this time.

Having a baby has grown my heart a million times. It's made me feel richer than I could have ever imagined (while simultaneously draining my bank account). Because it’s had a multiplier effect, bringing more joy and a deeper level of humanity to all my relationships. Postpartum brings its challenges for every woman, but we all deserve to navigate it with a cup of soup 🍲.

The Postpartum Support Cheat Sheet

I’ve organized a cheat sheet of postpartum survival essentials. Below we cover the finances of postpartum, postpartum meal ideas, what to bring a new mom, postpartum recovery tips, and all the ways to provide fourth trimester support. Let me know if I’m missing anything:

You can find more resources I’ve written here.

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Sleep: because the sleep deprivation is real

• Watch baby in all forms for at least 2-3 hours while mom (and dad) nap

• Feed, burp, change diaper, change clothes if needed, burp again (so much burping with newborns!) - do the whole routine for a time block, it will be such a relief to have a few hours to self (to nap, shower, breath)

• Take baby on a walk to get fresh air - give mom and dad some space from baby

• Just make sure not to overstimulate a newborn - they tend to fall asleep every 20-60 minutes but need to eat at least every 2-3 hours, so it is intensive. Putting a timer on helps to track feeding windows.

Feed: because when was the last time you made a real meal

• Make or bring food for the new parents in all forms (think nutritious, minimal cleanup, minimal involvement)

• Breakfast - burritos, muffins, pastries, yogurt and berries, eggs

• Lunch - soups, pasta, sandwiches, salads

• Dinner - soups, pasta, protein + veggie combos

• Snacks

• More snacks

• Oreos are a great lactation booster, allegedly

Clean: because the laundry is never-ending

• The home is inevitably chaotic, unless they have 24/7 help

• Throw a load of laundry in, fold some clothes

• Do some dishes, turn the dishwasher on

• Pick up supplies for the home or help put together a list - the worst thing is to realize you’re running low on dishwasher detergent before needing to wash bottles every day

Emotional/Mental: because this is beautiful, but also hard

• Check in on how your new parent friends are doing

• Go on a walk together

• Plan fun activities that don’t revolve around being a mom only

• Talk about stuff other than the baby - unless they only seem to want to talk about the baby. How can you not be obsessed!

A Practical Guide for Supporting New Mothers

This isn’t just a cheatsheet for friends - it applies to partners too!

And for those who aren’t brought into the inner circle, know to give people their space - new parents are going through a lot.

If you're navigating the third trimester and want to prepare for postpartum, sign up for my guide - coming soon.

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Financial Audit: postpartum

Night nurse: $300-800/night depending on where you live ($2,100 - $5,600/ week !!) 
Food delivery / takeout: you will not want to cook all the time - our go to was Dig Inn ($70-80 for 2-4 meals) 

Postpartum is a time where you can sometimes feel like you'd do anything to throw money at the problem (sleep, crying etc). Plan and budget; know what your options are. 

Welcome to Sundays with Sloane: essays on modern motherhood - what actually helps, what it really costs, and what nobody tells you until you’re in it.

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By default of being a woman, you’re always on alert for your safety, the safety of your girlfriends. How many times does “text me when you get home safe?” reverberate in the dark street, lit by the glow of Uber arriving. It’s almost like that 6th sense is woven into the second X chromosome. Dig deep enough in the group chat, and every woman knows someone, or has personally experienced, a time when they’ve come face-to-face with their vulnerability as a woman.

Pregnancy: Now with Added Danger Awareness

When we found out we were having a girl, instead of excitement, I felt fear. Fear that I couldn’t protect her from all the horrible things that happen in the world, to women. I guess I felt that if I had a boy, I could maybe have more of a role, a more active participant, let’s say, in raising a good man - one that society really does need. Because, in light of the recently released Epstein files, I deeply question my ability, anyone’s ability to protect women. The lack of care shown to the victims is reprehensible, and more of a symptom in general of how women are viewed.

I’ve been conscientious of my daughter’s safety since early in my pregnancy. I got attacked by a man on the street when I was ~10 weeks pregnant. He came out of nowhere, muttering. He hit me with his cane, making contact with the side of my stomach and narrowly avoiding my growing belly. While I had thought about miscarriage rates before, danger to my baby was somewhat an abstract concept at that time: I was trying to survive morning sickness while generally in a constant state of glee at being pregnant. But, in an instant, I became aware of the immense responsibility a parent has to keep their child safe. A primal, biological need. Pregnancy was tough for me in that lens. As I got larger and more immobile, I became increasingly aware of my decreasing ability to protect myself or my baby.

And so I channeled my desire to protect her towards deep research into all the necessary baby-raising gadgets.

Baby Monitors: Helpful or Literally Spying on Your Child?

Being tech-forward millennials, we obviously got the Nanit. It was great initially - tracking S’s sleep, even suggesting wake windows, showing us recaps of her milestones (fell asleep by herself - yay!). But then I read online, on Reddit, obviously, about how Nanit was spying on our babies. This device I got, which is supposed to help me make sure my baby is safe, is recording her?

Tip: a baby monitor is definitely a necessity if you have a bigger apartment/house. Low-tech is definitely trending in some niches. We do like seeing her on the camera, which has been particularly helpful during sleep training events.

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When Protection Becomes a Product

When we got a car seat, obviously, we looked at all the safety ratings and reviews. We got a great option, the Bugaboo Turtle by Nuna, that goes with our whole stroller system. But then, I got a targeted ad for some insane new smart carseat and honestly considered replacing our weeks-old purchase with a more expensive model. All in the name of safety. Clearly Insta is listening in.

Tip: save yourself hassle, especially if you go in the car alot, and get a stroller <> carseat combo travel system.

Everyone has heard of SIDS, which while very serious, if safe sleep rules are followed, is yet another thing for hormonal moms to worry about. We got the SNOO because the idea of her being strapped down into the bassinet so she couldn’t role or have her swaddle come undone and smother her, calmed my nerves at 1am. SNOO even had some legit approval from medical organizations - love a stamp from an expert to make me swipe my credit card! As we hit the time marker where SIDS isn’t a concern anymore, I feel myself able to take a breath. But, inevitably, it will be replaced by something new. S’s cruising now, so the more immediate needs surround baby-proofing the apartment.

When S could start solids, we got this forage feeder to decrease the risk of choking. When she started crawling, we got one of those playpens to keep her in. I obviously upgraded to the plush tumble mat to protect against any tumbles.

Tip: yes you actually do need a pen once they become mobile, especially if you need a few moments to yourself, like in the bathroom.

Around every corner is a new worry or anxiety as a mom. And there will be 1 million companies to sell you a product to soothe those worries. And behind every scroll are TikTok moms peddling those wares. The list of decisions around the health and safety of baby seems to be never-ending in the early days. Do I push through the pain of breastfeeding for the sake of baby? Is pumping an ok alternative? Can I use formula? My baby is teething: what can I give her to help her pain? Tylenol is maybe linked to autism?

Raising Her Safe vs. Raising Them Right

There are the things we can control as parents, and there is so much stuff we inevitably won’t be able to. I’m sure I’ll confront that even more as S grows. In the back of my head, I already know we will be more of an analog family (nostalgia is in anyways).

As a mom to a young girl, I am constantly thinking about her safety. As she grows, I’ll have to navigate teaching her to be on the lookout. Because, unfortunately, the responsibility falls on us to stay safe, not the other way around. It’s a new emotion to feel, the responsibility to keep this human safe in a world that seems very scary these days.

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Banana Pancakes in a Scary World

The only anecdote I’ve found so far is to keep making the world magical for S every day that I can. We wore Halloween costumes all fall and gingerbread pjs all December. We have dance parties and dress up for dinner. We make big messes.

It’s nice to be in her world, I like joining her there and staying as long as I can. It’s rainbows and unicorns and banana pancakes and sunshine: I hope I can keep it that way forever for her.

Financial Audit - Safety Related:

Nanit: starts at $290
Nanit subscription (yay SaaS):$120-300 / year
SNOO: $1,195-1,695 to buy or $159/month to rent (recommend) 
Carseat: $649
Forage Feeder ($18) + Ice Cube Maker from Moss & Fawn ($20) = $38
Playpen ($65) + Protective Mat ($40): $105

Total: $2,897

Welcome to Sundays with Sloane: essays on modern motherhood - what actually helps, what it really costs, and what nobody tells you until you’re in it.

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The first major event as a new mom

We had a wedding to go to when I was a little over three months postpartum. A close friend from school, I was giving a speech! It was an important event in many capacities: obviously, celebrating her beautiful love story, but, more importantly, the first major social event I had been to since giving birth. Seeing friends and acquaintances for the first time added a whole other layer to who I was becoming and who I was showing up as.

Being a millennial woman means your identity, self-worth, and body image are intertwined in a trope that’s no stranger to the internet.

Growing a human, and gaining and then losing 45+ pounds, forces you to grow intimate with your body in a completely new way. It unravels your acceptance of that narrative, making you question and examine it. You no longer have the space or the time to critique the blemishes that, mostly, only you see. For me, that relationship became something new. Comfortable, accepting, loving.

Because, in the thick of postpartum haze, I didn’t have time to think about “bouncing back”. I was quite literally stapled together; fitting into that LBD at the back of the closet wasn’t my priority. What size was I even?

So naturally, I needed to go shopping!

Unboxing my new identity

Shopping for wedding guest dresses turned out to be a game of Tetris at 3 months postpartum:

• What would fit, but be forgiving on my soft and plump body?

• What could I rewear in the future (#sustainability #budgeting)?

• I also was still pumping, so functionally I had to be able to maneuver dressing without extra assistance.

• What would make me feel feminine and beautiful, after being covered in spit-up, poop, and dried milk 24/7?

Regaining bodily autonomy while navigating beautiful clothes and pumping to feed your newborn is absurd. The things women do.

Yes, I could have rented a dress, but something about finding a new outfit signified more than just another piece of clothing. It was the first major purchase I was making as a new mom. It was symbolic of my new identity as a mom. What type of mom did I want to be when it came to fashion? (Moms are apparently hot now).

What I was really shopping for

Scouring the internet for options with this new question directing my clicks made me feel liberated. It even inspired a more fullsome closet cleanout; that crop top is a good memory capsule, but not useful for much else. I ordered more options and way more sizes than I normally did. I ordered styles I had previously scoffed at. If I was building my fashion identity from the ground up, I may as well start with a blank slate.

And while I charged ahead, determined to put aesthetic curiosity over the suffocating feeling of not fitting into a size 2, J had a lot of fun making numerous trips to UPS to return the outfits that didn’t work.

Some of the dresses I ordered fit well, some accentuated my new body in ways I found surprisingly enjoyable, and some were clearly meant for the androgynous manican.

Some were too revealing, some accentuated the blobiness I was trying to forget, some made me feel cheap. Fun fact, your boobs actually are bigger during breastfeeding than pregnancy, so that was another factor to add to the growing list of specifications.

I wanted to look good, to feel good. I felt like I embodied the word woman for the first time.

Having a daughter forced me to examine my own relationship with body image, clothing size, and internalized societal narratives. Why should I feel so shitty about a flabby stomach when I just grew a literal human being?

Tip: Fret not about your jiggly arms! Just wait a few months and then you will have guns of steel from lifting your toddler multiple times a day.

Her Nursery, My Dressing Room

Actually finding the dress to achieve this was more logistically complicated than I anticipated. There was no way I wanted to try on dresses with the fluorescent lights and claustrophobic stalls of a store.

And so as the boxes got delivered. Net-A-Porter, Saks, Bloomies, Shopbop, independent shops: her nursery became my dressing room. As I tried on new pieces in the mirror, I saw my new self assembling: red dress, exhausted smile, overflowing heart, kitten-heeled slingbacks, hair falling out from the hormones, dangling earrings, c-section scar, blue clutch.

I spent S’s naps trying on dresses. If she woke up earlier than expected, I rushed to her room, accompanied by some tulle skirt rustling to announce my arrival. Opening boxes became a “wake window” activity. Narrating to her how hard it is to find pumps that are actually comfortable to be in while feeding her a bottle. Trying on earrings accompanied by the rhythmic suction of the pump.

Being a mom is about these little moments blending together. Yes, I could have arranged for childcare so I could have “focused” on finding an outfit. Yes, it took me way more time to figure out what I wanted to wear because trying on clothes was broken up by the rhythm of a newborn’s needs: sleep, feed, play, diaper change, repeat. But something about sharing those moments with S, talking through and getting her opinionated takes on my fashion evolution felt like exactly what I needed in that moment.

Let’s Talk About “Bouncing Back”

3 months and change, you might think - time enough to bounce back. Sir, I was just pregnant for 10 months.

Make the math make sense!

To complicate the algebra, I wasn’t cleared to workout until 8 weeks (2 months!) after giving birth. It took weeks for me to build up the strength to literally take a 20-minute walk (in which I went to get ice cream, thank you very much). Let’s all lower our expectations a tiny bit.

I think somewhere in that haze, the ridiculousness of it all really hit me. The bouncing back, the societal expectations, the comments that I “looked so good” - what does that even mean? And so I got to rebuild my sense of identity, which had been mishandled by society since 13, and decide who I was.

Writing this, not pregnant, feeling every inch of what my body is strong and capable of has changed my relationship fundamentally. Being a mom requires a lot of sacrifice - to your body, to your child, to expectations of what being a mom is. So taking time to find something special for myself in this transitional time felt significant, too.

Batch Meals This Week for Sloane:

• Banana pancakes

• Butternut squash bites

• Ragu and pasta

Welcome to Sundays with Sloane: essays on modern motherhood - what actually helps, what it really costs, and what nobody tells you until you’re in it.

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Some women have always wanted to be a mom. Some know it’s not for them, and others find themself somewhere between those binaries at different points in their life.

Being a mom is complicated. It is a significant physical, emotional, financial, and societal responsibility. So, where is the manual on how to do this?

Treating Pregnancy Prep Like a Final Exam

The third trimester is often referred to as a period of “nesting.” Where you prepare your space physically and your body mentally for your new baby. It is also a time of great discomfort, swelling, and in general, feeling like a massive blob.

It’s also naturally the time you start being like oh shit I have a baby coming any day - are we prepared?

I approached preparing for baby S as any typical type A woman with an assignment does: excessive research, notetaking, and systems that would clearly count for extra credit. My review coming out of the third trimester: these books are mildly helpful, seems like this parenting thing won’t be so bad!

Cut to a few days into the fourth trimester: jokes on me! I quickly found that they were mostly filled with conflicting advice and an unrealistic understanding of what being a mom today looks like. Feeding your baby is just one great example (post here). None of these resources had prepared me for just how overwhelmed I was.

Finding My Village in the Comments Section

And so, like many moms, I would discover, I turned to Reddit. Reddit was a place I heavily relied on in the early days. This “online village” was where I learned tips and tricks on sleeping, feeding, burping, diaper rash, literally any rash. It’s where I learned what to do with my new baby, from other moms going through the same experience.

I knew that postpartum would be a “difficult time.” I don’t think much could have prepared me for just how challenging it would be: I wasn’t prepared for the emotional rollercoaster, the hormones, the pain, the changes to my body, the anxiety. The prevailing narrative everywhere seemed to be just healthy baby - but what about healthy mom <=> healthy baby?

The metamorphosis of becoming a mother is incredible, but also lonely at times; social media can be great to learn tips, tricks, and hacks from other parents. Helpful, yes, but in minimal doses. Because while these communities are mostly positive and supportive, the compulsive behavior that occasionally pops up can be a dark vortex at a vulnerable time. And going back and forth between ChatGPT and Reddit is not exactly productive (or always accurate, btw).

What I'm Building (And Why It Matters)

Hacking together advice from tiktok moms, , and Reddit is not the most seamless parenting education. I wanted a resource that actually helped me prepare for the transition to motherhood, outside of the immediate basics of keeping baby alive. My experiences, stories other moms have shared with me, and the tales of strangers on the internet have made it clear that there needs to be better resources for moms today.

My mission is to create a guide for moms in the third trimester and postpartum. It is a guide that empowers them with a more comprehensive understanding of what becoming a mom means today. It will leave them financially and emotionally prepared to make the best choices for themselves and their growing family. Because the outdated advice isn’t cutting it anymore.

The Receipts: Why We Need Better Resources

🍼 Most books focus only on breastfeeding, with pumping and/or formula use either glossed over or demonized. More than 80% of families initiate breastfeeding, but only 26% exclusively breastfeed by six months (CDC). If moms are clearly exploring other avenues, why is the literature not supporting them?

💰 The average American family now spends more per month on childcare than rent. Why do none of the books talk about budgeting or building up a childcare fund? I understand the whole “village” narrative online, but the reality is that most moms in the US cannot afford to hire doulas, night nurses, and fulltime nannies. As we did the research and analysis on our budget, it became clear that the books we had read barely addressed the reality of childcare. While momentum is gaining to make legislative change, unfortunately, the burden still falls on families to navigate this themselves.

🧠 Postpartum depression diagnostic rates have increased from 9.4% in 2010 to ~20% today. Suicide is the #1 cause of death for new moms. Some researchers have said that post partum anxiety (PPA) rates may be higher than PPD, but less discussed. I wish the books I read addressed how PPD and PPA are more of a spectrum than my introduction being a form at the OBGYN 6-week checkup.

💪 It takes many months for the female body to be replenished of vitamns, and years for certain brain networks to return to status quo. Why are women expected to go back to work essentially immediately after birth? There is no federally paid leave in the U.S., which means no job protection or pay for many women. How do we navigate careers and new motherhood at the same time?

I’m writing this guide because I felt a few things were missing from the never-ending list of pregnancy resources. A resource that acknowledges that the mom at the center is a person with an identity, relationships, and dreams that can be independent of being a mother.

Sundays with Sloane is not a prescriptive guide. What worked for me might not work for you, your baby, or your family. It is also not a medical guide; call your pediatrician, please! It is the guide I wished I had, though, and based on conversations with dozens of other new moms, I’m not alone in needing it. My hope is that this guide provides a bit more peace for first-time moms, a better resource for repeat moms, and support for other nonbirthing caregivers.

Join the waitlist to get early access to the guide. And let me know what actually was the best unsolicited parenting advice you received.

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So why are you writing a substack?

The guide I’m writing is a comprehensive resource with lots of checklists for moms in the third trimester and postpartum. Substack is the ongoing conversation where we build community. It’s where motherhood becomes more than the checklists, one Sunday at a time.

Sophia’s Favorite Things:

The books that were the most helpful in preparing for baby: Bebe, Bumpin’, and Cribsheet. Matrescence was grounding during postpartum. Thank you!

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Batch Meals This Week for Sloane:

• Frijoles refritos

• Slow-cooker chicken with adobo peppers

• Pear and apple compote

• Pepper and zuccini bites

Welcome to Sundays with Sloane: essays on modern motherhood - what actually helps, what it really costs, and what nobody tells you until you’re in it.

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My sister sent me this reel this summer when I was in the thick of breastfeeding. I was mentally counting down the days I could leave the house without being attached to a pump. It has lived rent-free in my head for too many months at this point. I’m not even breastfeeding anymore - which yes, I feel guilty about sometimes. And then I rewatch that reel. Never have I felt more seen.

The Breastfeeding Fantasy vs. Reality

Breastfeeding has numerous proven benefits for mom and baby. In all the classes and materials I’ve come across, breastfeeding is held as the gold standard of early motherhood. Nothing is more idolized as the greatest bond between mom and baby.

And maybe it is! But I wouldn’t know. I wish I had read more stories about all the different ways feeding and bonding can actually happen. In retrospect, it felt a bit like propaganda (cue: Barbieland pink below).

My perception of the “right” birth experience came from social media, philosophies of these birth class leaders, and whatever outdated books I had read in preparation. This brainwashed me into believing that birth and motherhood would be one way, and left me with complicated feelings around formula, breastfeeding, and pumping. No one needs the guilt of society infiltrating your thoughts, least of all when you’re crashing out from 5 days of drugs (you better believe I got an epidural!) and hormones.

I had an emergency C-section on Wednesday after being induced on Monday due to a spike in blood pressure. We went home on Friday. My birth experience was nothing like I had mentally prepared for, and I felt each passing decision bring about internal conflict. Welcome to mom guilt, right out of the gate!

When the Plan Falls Apart

I’d had the lactation consultant come to our recovery room because, like most first-time moms, getting a good latch was proving difficult. The woman showed me how to, quite literally, make a sandwich to shove into S’s mouth.

It felt very sterile and aggressive; the fluorescent hospital lights probably did little to help set the mood (thanks again, Instagram!).

Tip: bring your pumping/nursing bra (ideally a 2:1 like this) and pump (with flanges) to the hospital. It’s one thing I’d do differently! I could have been fitted and gotten the hang of everything with the support of a lactation consultant, who could be called with a click of a button. This way is much more convenient than when you’ve left the hospital and have to navigate the big scary world with a crying newborn and being stapled together.

I tried many times. S couldn’t, or wouldn’t, latch. It just never worked. And I had to be okay with that, quickly. When we got home from the hospital, I felt the weight of everything crashing on me as S screamed with hunger. We had zoomed into a few feeding classes, I’d read all the books - in paperback so I could highlight things! - why wasn’t this working???

Finding My Way to Pumping

Wading through the haze of her cries, pain that seemed to radiate out of every cell in my body, and the building mom guilt, I knew that I needed to feed S ASAP. My only options were to feed S formula again or try to pump. And so I strapped myself up to the Spectra S1. It felt, for the first time that entire week, that pumping was at least something I could control! To be able to feed my daughter, like I was supposed to!

And so I learned to master pumping. After feeling like my body was a foreigner for months, it brought me back to myself. Nothing has been such an absurd experience as this.

The Reddit Deep Dive (and When to Log Off)

I owe r/exclusively pumping great thanks for the crash course they provided. Beware, however, of compulsive pumpers on Reddit - don’t get sucked into their vortex! And definitely do not get caught in the #superpumper algo, that won’t make you feel better either.

Some redditors would be so emphatic about pumping schedules that I felt their judgment jumping out of my phone if I missed a session! Yes, you can go pump every 2-3 hours to mimic breastfeeding. But also, sometimes, it’s ok to close all the apps and figure out what works for you and your baby.

For example, once S was gaining weight, you can bet I was not waking up just to pump - redditors be damned! If our pediatrician felt comfortable with S sleeping a longer night stretch without eating, you can be sure I was sleeping too.

As S’s nights grew longer, so did the time between my pumps. Sometimes, those 2am sessions were some of my favorite moments: quiet nights together when the rest of the world was sleeping. And I can promise that 5:30am sunrises have never been so sweet. But also, the first time we all slept through the night - that took the cake.

The Pumping Lifestyle

Ultimately, pumping wasn’t a choice for me: it was the only way I could feed my daughter (yes we did use formula, for a future post). I’ve pumped in weird places: in the car, at weddings, a nail salon in Williamsburg. Whatever, baby needs to be fed!

There were definitely cons: washing pump parts (24-hour method), washing bottles, mental calculations of the fresh-by date, and the mom guilt. There were a lot of pros: J could take night feedings, he could take any feeding actually, other people could feed S, I was able to track how many ounces she was eating, freezing extra for future use. But mostly, other people getting to feed her gave me a much-needed break sometimes 😂.

Fed is Best (And That’s Actually All That Matters)

The internet likes to put a lot of pressure on moms, to find issues with whatever they are doing or not doing: pumping, breastfeeding, formula, baby-led weaning, blah blah. What really matters, is that baby is fed and healthy. What doesn’t really matter is how that happens.

P.S. Pumping is shown to have pretty similar benefits for baby and mom as actual breastfeeding.

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Shoutout to this mama for helping me get through those tough moments.

Sloane’s Favorite Things - feeding time:

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Financial Audit - pumping edition:

Spectra S1 Pump: insurance covers (thanks ACA!)
Milk Storage Bags: insurance covers (thanks ACA!)
Pumping/Nursing Bra x 2 = $40
Bottle Pack x 3 = $165 
Bottle Washer: $15

Total: $220

Welcome to Sundays with Sloane: essays on modern motherhood - what actually helps, what it really costs, and what nobody tells you until you’re in it.

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Thanks to the internet, particularly social media, I’ve discovered there is a never-ending list of parenting philosophies on literally everything. And when it comes to schedules and sleep, little is more divisive at this young age than perhaps feeding (breast, bottle, or formula).

Some parents, particularly online, love to boast about their laissez-faire approach to going throughout their day with their child. Others are so intense that they have their children scheduled down to the minute of every wake window*. You do you, girl.

*If you’re unfamiliar with the term wake window, get ready to add it and a million other ridiculous terms to your parenting repertoire: it’s the time between naps that gets longer as your kid gets older.

When the Fog Lifts: Finding Rhythm in the Chaos

In the early days, there was no schedule. Night and day blurred together with the 2-hour feeding timetable. The only difference really was whether I had to turn the lights on or not. But as S grew, our days started to fall into a rhythm. And that rhythm was something I clung to as postpartum brought about its own rollercoaster.

Having consistent moments of rest, moments where, in theory, S would be sleeping, became the moments where I could start to regain my identity and a semblance of who I was and who I had now become as a mom. Some of those naps I had earmarked to make myself presentable: shower, wash hair, put on new, clean clothes. Other naps were for reading - sometimes for enjoyment, sometimes for edification on that era of S’s life - or to respond to texts that had piled up (we try to be no phones around S, lots of studies coming out on the negative developmental impacts). And yet others were time for J and me to end the day together - to bring rhythm back into our own relationship, which underwent a seismic shift.

Sometimes I’ve felt like “that mom” for being anal about the schedule. But it is only because I’m the one who deals with the repercussions of S being overtired.

I’m the one, the mom, who has to handle her cries, rock her to sleep, and blow softly on her face to help her recalibrate. In becoming a mom, I’ve learned how to be more direct, even if I’m uncomfortable, or the situation is uncomfortable, because ultimately everything revolves around the health and safety of S. So sorry, no, she can not be the entertainment for a few more hours. Nap time is now. Don’t you see her sleepy cues*?

*Sleepy cues: yawning, rubbing eyes, in general looking sleepy; another ridiculous and cute term to add to your parenting vocabulary.

Sleep Training Without the Tears

Establishing sleep hygiene was a priority early on. From parental anecdotes and online testimonials, I knew it was going to be the most critical component to tackle to bring a sense of normalcy back to our household. During pregnancy, my search for how to bring about a consistent and feasible sleep schedule led me to discover a variety of schools of thought on the subtopic of sleeping. CIO (cry it out), Ferber method, hybrid model, responsive training, no training…

I never wanted to get to a point where I had to train the crying out of S, that sounded gut-wrenching. My pediatrician gave us the green light for S to sleep through the night early on - once she was ~3 months (more here). Mom to mom, she suggested I get a nice bottle of wine or go out for the night and let J handle it. Does anyone else feel like their heart is being pierced when their baby cries? I think all moms must; it’s biological, right? That’s why sleep training is so contentious.

I read Bringing Up Bébé when pregnant, and while an adorable read, there wasn’t much useful advice aside from the author sharing the French philosophy around sleeping, “le pause”. I did take this to heart though, as it was the only philosophy that resonated. With the help of the Snoo, our trusty bassinet, and le pause, I was able to get S into a rhythm with sleeping.

While naps can still be hit or miss, having her sleep through the night is something J and I deeply relish. We get time to ourselves, for each other, for friends, in a reliable and predictable way. Of course, there are tough nights and not every sleep regression is the easiest, but the routine around bedtime provides S with consistency and safety she has come to expect and even enjoy.

And creating this consistency at home has had benefits when we are on an adventure. We can go through our schedule or planned activities without worrying about it disrupting her sleep or her lack of sleep impacting the day. Because she’s on a schedule, we know when she’ll be tired and need to sleep, and can factor that into the plans. But at the same time, if parenting has taught me anything, it’s that being flexible and adaptable is just as important as the plan.

Structure Creates Freedom

We went on our first trip with S, and I was reflecting on what’s worked and what hasn’t regarding sleep.

We have her bedtime playlist, her noise machine, her sleepsack, and with these, she feels the sleepy signals surround her, bringing the same safety and consistency even in a new and overwhelming environment. Even when on the move, and without access to a crib, using the signals she’s used to help to center S. On this trip, our flight was delayed, and so naptime was disrupted. But through recreating her safe environment in the baby carrier, S was able to use those clues to calm herself down and nap. And because she was able to nap, the rest of the afternoon immediately became literal sunshine and rainbows 🌞🌈.

So no, schedules are not boring. They provide the structure for families - or at least my family - to enjoy being a parent, a significant other, a friend, and ourselves - because we have created the time and space for both.

What’s your bedtime routine? Always looking for tips from other moms and caregivers on what has helped them!

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Tip: based on our experience, I’d recommend traveling locally or on a plane before your child becomes more alert or needs a longer wake window, as this is the easiest time we found. While months 0-4 were conducive to short road trips, since then S does not want to nap in the car. And so we’ve had to adjust. I can promise you nothing is worse than hearing her overtired cries while being stuck on the interstate.

Financial Audit: sleeping related

SNOO: $1,195-1,695 to buy or $159/month to rent (recommend) 

Hatch go sound machine: $40

Sleepsack: $30-100 (depends on brand), ours was $35 from Pottery Barn

tldr: babies are expensive! plan ahead!

This Week’s Batch Meals:

• Zuccini pancakes

• Bean and Beef Chili

• Sweet potato bites with cinnamon