Does Sleep Training Even Work?
Reflections on sleep philosophies after cosleeping with my baby for the first time
Welcome to Sundays with Sloane: essays on modern motherhood - what actually helps, what it really costs, and what nobody tells you until you’re in it.
I pad over to the bedroom, carrying my tea and a book. My slippers click-click through the hallway. I swap the overhead lights for my bedside lamp and get into bed. The cool sheets and steaming tea swaddle me in relaxation and familiarity. This was my evening routine pre-husband, pre-baby: I’m enjoying the momentary switch in realities.
I flip to the dog-eared page and pick up mid-story. Fantastic read. I’m engrossed in the plot, and in the cleanliness and calmness I occasionally get nostalgia for. My husband’s on a work trip, so the chaos is mostly contained to Sloane this week.
I turn to the next page when I’m interrupted by a loud shriek from Sloane’s room. Pausing my book to pick up the baby monitor, I’m perplexed. S sleeps through the night, usually. I’m very into schedules. We sleep trained early!
S is standing up in her crib. I hear her cries in my body first. They reverberate through the hallway, and the baby monitor registers them last.
This cry is different. Immediately, I know she needs me for something. I rush to her room and pick her up. Her face is soaked with tears, her hiccups are loud, as I envelop her in a hug. I bring her into bed with me, and I’m transported back to the early days postpartum. Figuring out her different cries, her different ways of communicating, the sleepless nights. This time, she holds me tightly; before I rocked her back and forth. Now, my kisses are reciprocated; a year ago, it was one-way affection. Eventually, her heartbeat slows to match mine. And so I decide to do something I’ve never done: cosleep with her.
I kick the heavy comforter off the bed. I throw the extra pillows on the ground. I feel the leftover anxiety from newborn days creep in - follow the safe sleep guidelines!
Once the bed is remade, we get in and cuddle.
I pull her in close, face to face. We whisper secrets in the dark, and I share all the things I hope for her. I tell her my fears and my dreams, I make up stories about the adventures we will go on together. I tell her about the person I used to be, and the mom I’m becoming. I feel her body rise and fall with each breath; we fall into a rhythm that slows down as we both fade into sleep. It is pure bliss.
I finally get why parents love cosleeping.
Sleeping and Sleep Training Methods
Little is more controversial to new parents than how one decides to manage sleep and sleep training. I cover the basics in my first guide (code MOMSROCK for complimentary copy), with a more comprehensive take coming soon in my Fourth Trimester Guide.
As illustrated in this essay and others, even if you do choose to sleep train, there are going to be some nights where baby might not sleep through or needs extra comfort. In general, expect that there will be many sleepless nights as a new parent, in postpartum and beyond.
I’ve written a few different perspectives here:
Sleep Arrangements
Solo sleeping: baby in their own crib, in their own room.
Room-sharing (separate surface): baby in bassinet or bedside sleeper in the parents’ room (AAP recommendation for at least the first 6 months)
Bedsharing / cosleeping: baby and parent(s) in the same bed. The most common globally and the most contested in the US.
Safe Sleep Recommendations
AAP: firm, flat sleep surface; room-sharing without bedsharing for at least the first 6 months (ideally 12); baby on their back; no soft bedding, pillows, bumpers, or positioners; no smoking in the home; no bed-sharing if either parent has consumed alcohol, sedating medication, or is excessively sleep-deprived
Safe Sleep 7: from La Leche League is a widely cited harm-reduction framework for bedsharing: sober mom, non-smoking, breastfeeding, healthy full-term baby, on their back, on a safe surface, not too hot.